Dealing with grief is like being on an emotional rollercoaster. It comes with a series of mixed emotions flowing through shock, denial, acceptance, relief, deep sadness and loneliness. The unpredictability of it all can leave you feeling exhausted and empty.
Grief doesn't only affect you emotionally, it affects you physically as well. Loss of appetite, clouded thinking and the inability to get a good night's rest are on the top of the list. Waking up in the middle of the night and just crying, sometimes in acceptance, sometimes not. Laying there for hours thinking about how you have to press forward when day breaks.
You feel pressured to move because nothing stops. Everything is going along "business as usual" and you are fighting for your sanity. Everyday triggers are everywhere. Just when you were having a better day, you can get triggered by a song or a scent. You used to have sing-a-longs in the car and now you find yourself driving down the highway flooding your face with tears. You stop for food on the way home and the smell of pot roast slaps you in the face. Pot roast? Of all the combined aromas that fill the restaurant, you smell Big Momma's pot roast?!!
Likewise, those same triggers can bring you joy on the days you are strong enough to simply "remember when." I find myself holding on to cards, letters and old voice mail messages. Keeping old cell phones and answering machines to have their voices at my fingertips. Always wishing I had one more phone call, visit, hug, chance to say/hear, I love you.
There is no set time to grieve and with every relationship, you grieve differently. Dealing with grief can overwhelm you with thoughts of purpose, the rest of your life and your own mortality.
Here are some small steps to take on your healing journey:
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Give Yourself Permission to Feel: Let joy and sadness coexist. Sometimes, after loss, we feel guilty for moments of happiness but those moments don’t diminish your love or the depth of your grief. They’re part of healing. Embrace them.
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Reconnect with What You Love: Revisit old hobbies or explore new ones — music, art, nature, books, travel, exercise — even when it feels hard. Sometimes joy begins as just a small spark of comfort through reconnecting.
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Seek Connection: Reach out to the people who make you feel safe and seen, people who make you laugh until your belly hurts and people who really understand your relationship with the deceased. Share memories, laughter, and moments of lightness. Sometimes joy is found in the mere presence of others.
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Find Small Moments of Joy: A warm cup of tea, the sound of rain, the colors of a sunset or sunrise, a baby cooing — joy can start with simple things. Let those moments remind you that life still holds gentleness, promise and joy.
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Create New Traditions: Loss often changes our routines and building new ones can help. It might be a morning walk, journaling, or doing something in remembrance of the deceased. Do things they loved, share stories and have cake or their favorite food on their birthday. These things will keep them feeling near while making space for hope and joy to return.
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Be Patient and Gentle with Yourself: Healing isn’t linear, and there’s no timeline for joy to return. Some days will feel heavy, and that’s okay. Trust that lightness will return in its own time.
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Consider Support: If the weight feels too heavy, a therapist or grief counselor can help you process your emotions and find tools to rediscover joy. Therapy plus faith works wonders.
Remember, joy and sadness can coexist but be intentional about finding joy. Life is short, live your best life on purpose.